Date: Friday, 10 May 1996 3:38pm CT To: John.Dwyer From: Charles.Cannon It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time. I've attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties. Thanks! Jim Attached: Extended Job List Contents: Job number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5511 Feeling Horny 5600 Bitching About Lousy Job 5601 Bitching About Low Pay 5602 Bitching About Long Hours 5603 Bitching About Coworker (see jobs #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching About Boss 5605 Bitching About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5909 Sexual Intercourse 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g.: vacation, wedding...) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6213 Making Passes at Coworker 6214 Sexually Harassing Coworker 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see #6603 6602-XXXX Doing job XXXX at your own Business (e.g.: 6602-6213, Making Passes at Coworker in Your Busin 6602-5600, Complaining About Difficulties in Your Business) 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use From: ts (Terry Hill, Office Manager) To: mikf Subj: About those job numbers... Mike, just look at Peter's timesheet for this week. Day Job description Job number Hours --- --- ----------- --- ------ ----- MON Feeling horny 5511 2.5 Bitching about this job 5600 1.5 Calling up girlfriend on company phone 6203 1 Pretending to work while Terry is watching 6221 1 Break 5310 1 Waiting for bell to sound so I can leave 5321 1 TUE Feeling horny 5511 2 Bitching about low pay 5601 1.5 Making passes at Kathy 6213 1 Printing copies of "Kama Sutra" on company laser printer 6200 2.5 Break 5310 1 WED Sleeping 5504 1.5 Feeling horny 5511 .5 Break 5310 1 Pretending to work while Terry is watching 6221 2.5 Sending copies of "Kama Sutra" to friends in Hawaii using company fax 6200 2 Joint in men's room 8000 .5 THU Making passes at Kathy 6213 3.5 Bitching about this job 5600 1 Feeling horny 5511 2 Break 5310 1 Waiting for bell so I can leave 5321 .5 FRI Finding lookout to make sure nobody enters broom closet 7931 .5 Having sex with Kathy in broom closet 5909 1 Bitching about this dead-end job 5600 .5 Feeling horny 5511 1 Getting Eric to turn in my timesheet so I can leave early 7931 .5 Miscellaneous unproductive time 5309 4.5 --- Your policy needs to be revised ASAP. -Terry ------- From: mikf (Michael Farrell, Personnel Director) To: th Subj: Re: About those job numbers... Terry, I looked at the timesheet and you are absolutely right. I can't believe what a mistake I made. Obviously, Peter left early on Friday, but due to my oversight, was force to put code 5309 down. This is a serious inaccuracy. I've added a couple o job numbers which will fix this problem and future problems: 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu Distribute these numbers as before, and this won't happen again. Thank you for promptly discovering and pointing out this error, Michael ----- From: th (Terry Hill, Office Manager) To: mikf Subj: Re: About those job numbers... Michael, I think you missed the point of my letter. The point was that what Peter was doing on company time is unacceptable. However, because of your new system, he was able to put down officially approved numbers for all of his activities. I'd never be able to fire him, because in case of a lawsuit our policy would be publicized, and we'd become the laughingstock of the industry. A copy of this letter and Peter's timesheet is being sent to the president. Please work with him to resolve this issue. -Terry ------ From: gary (Gary Lorenz, President) To: th mikf Subj: peter's timesheet. mike and terry, i'm disappointed that you couldn't work out a solution witho appealing to higher authority. i have promoted peter to office manager in another department. mike, you wil need to add the following numbers: 8100 - Bragging to Girlfriend About Promotion 8101 - Using Position of Authority and Power to Score with Office Babes i think this is a situation where we all win. terry doesn't have an employee that he is unhappy with anymore, mike doesn't need to abandon his new job numbers which he has obviously put a lot of work into, and peter gets a bett job and the official "okay" to enjoy the fruits of his labor. gary. =============================================================================== APPLICANT SPEAK "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer. "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away! "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. =============================================================================== INTERVIEWING AT MICROSOFT From: bug@uclink.berkeley.edu (Gil G Silberman) Newsgroups: alt.angst Subject: Re: your story In article <1777FBE6FS86.EDITOR@ukcc.uky.edu>, Floyd, Marguerite wrote: >I'm collecting material on people's experiences working in today's >offices -- good, mediocre, bad, or horrible. . .Feel free to >include examples of office politics, bureaucratic procedures, >incentives. . . (Yes, "Dilbertisms" are welcome.) I'm graduating from law school (with any luck) in a few more days and I had a last-minute interview over the weekend with Microsoft's in-house legal counsel. Things were going well, they had me meet five or six attorneys in their offices, they took me to lunch, and one young lawyer was functioning as my guide throughout the day. Towards the late afternoon I could tell he was getting nervous, as if there were something weighing on him that he was afraid to tell me. After conferring for a few minutes with one of the senior attorneys while I sat in the reception room, trying to look vaguely interested in a stack of two week old Wall Street Journals, Doug, I think that was his name, Doug Howard (you're going to change the name, right. I wouldn't want to get into any trouble) came out, rubbing his hands together. "We are very impressed with your qualifications," he began. "But as you know, we are in the, ah, fortunate position of having a great many qualified job applicants, most of whom could no doubt do a fine job for our company" Uh, huh. I've heard that speech before. "So, what we would like for you to do is to participate in a little, uh, test we have devised to evaluate whether you fit in with our corporate, ah, culture." Fine. Shoot. "Chairman Gates, as you have no doubt heard, has thought very deeply about what it takes to lead a good life in times of great technological upheaval. He is a man of strong opinions. And as you know, he prefers to surround himself with others who are ready to adapt to his outlook on corporate life, on living well, working well, even on eating well." I nodded politely. "As you can see, we have prepared a table for you in the next room. The utensils we will ask you to use may not be familiar to you, but they are quite functional, and their purpose should become clear." A low round table crouched in the center of the room, covered in white linnen, with several throw pillows arranged to the side. A single place was set: no plate, but a colorful printed napkin, a set of what looked like dentist scraping tools, a nutcracker, and a small ladel. There was also a small glass of water with a lemon slice floating inside. In the center of the table was a large lump, about the size of a sourdough bread round, covered with a square of white fabric. To the side was a vase with a small but ornate flower arrangement. I caught the secretary staring at bulge on the table. I watched her stroke the inside of her lips with her tongue. "Okay," I said. "You don't have any qualms about eating human flesh, do you?" "Of course not," I said. "As a lawyer, I am prepared for any contingency." "Very good. Melissa? Could you show Mr. Silberman how we eat babies here at Microsoft. "Certainly, Doug." She reached for my hand instinctively, but caught herself and tried to turn the gesture into something more polite. "Now come this way, Mister Silberman." She paused a moment, then grabbed the corner of the fabric that covered the middle of the table. "The thing you have to remember about brain fondue," she continued, yanking the fabric from the table, is that there is no way to be neat. The first step is to remove the top of the skull. Doug, could you give me a hand? I think the tether is coming loose." Doug shifted. "I can assure you," he said, turning to me, "that the baby is not in any pain." "Maybe we should tighten the screws," Melissa suggested. "The little guy's squirming too much." "Don't worry. He'll get tired of squirming sooner or later. Why don't you hve a seat, Mr. Silberman? As you can tell, we like 'em fresh here at Microsoft." After a few adjustments and some fussing over some clumps of stray hair, Doug was satisfied. "There you are, Mister Silberman. Baby a la Bill. . . Enjoy" Needless to say, I will be moving up to Seattle soon. I've never had such good brains in my whole life. Microsoft has the best. >The working title of this collection is "Letters from the Corporately >Oppressed." If I use your material I'll be contacting you for official >permission. Sure, just don't forget to change the names.