Novell announces new acquisition
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In a bold move to expand its market share, Novell announced
today that it will acquire the Psychic Friends Network.
"We're teaming up with psychics because it fits our strategy
of pervasive computing," explained CEO Bob Frankenberg.
"Being psychic is about as pervasive as you can get."

"Interest in the paranormal is growing exponentially," says a
Novell spokesperson. "We have decided to abandon our
involvement in the Internet and concentrate on the huge
market potential of the afterlife."

Seeing Visions
Novell has broadened the scope of its corporate vision, now
stating that it will help you "act on information anytime,
anywhere, in any state of being, even if you've passed into
the next world." Through psychic "agents" you will be able to
work on your data from beyond the grave. "It gives a whole
new meaning to the term 'remote access,'" says Novell.

"We can help you stay in touch with your loved ones, your
co-workers, and most importantly your computer network,"
claims a press release from the newly-formed Novell
Apparitions Group. "Just because you've passed beyond
doesn't mean you can't be productive at work anymore." Of
course, the Health Plan isn't quite the same.

>From Cyberspace to Psychicspace
For the living, Novell is creating a new groupware application,
GhostWise, that allows you to e-mail and schedule meetings
with spirits, and delegate tasks to disembodied souls. These
features are helpful for holding online seances and getting
your work done by people with a lot of time on their hands.

And with the help of psychics, Novell will soon develop
software to support SANs, or Spirit Area Networks. The SAN
Administrators will use their extra-sensory abilities to tap into
the next world and make connections through the astral
plane. "It's the ultimate network," one enthusiastic
programmer exclaimed.

Who You Gonna Call?
Novell also plans to drastically change the way customer
support is handled. Besides charging $2.99 per minute (For
entertainment only; you must be 18 or older to call), the
Novell Psychic Hotline will offer personal readings and
spiritual guidance. "Many people just don't know how they
affect their computer's electrical field," says one Psychic
Friend. "We help them tune their aura to be in harmony with
the operating system."

Space Aliens Conquer Redmond
Not to be outdone, Microsoft has jumped on the paranormal
bandwagon. "Psychics are yesterday's news," says their
spokesperson. "UFO abductions are the hot topic today."
Indeed, Microsoft has already capitalized on this fad with its
Windows 95 operating system. After working in this
environment and suffering the inevitable glitches and restarts,
a user will experience symptoms typical of UFO abductees:
disorientation, paranoia, and an inability to account for
several hours of their day.

"We're also working on simulating Near Death Experiences,"
one programmer said. However, many feel Microsoft already
accomplished that with Word 6.0, but without the brilliant
light and feeling of serenity.

Getting Spooked
Though some observers are afraid of where this trend will
lead, their cries go unheard in the rush of companies to bring
products to this New Age market. Soon to be released is
Norton Exorcist 2.0, a utility that cleans up hard drives
possessed by unfriendly spirits. Lotus SmartSuite 96 will
offer full-circle routing that sends documents off to be
reincarnated as PBS documentaries. And Netscape will
perpetuate the illusion of levitating its stock price without any
visible means of support.

But for Novell, this is really nothing new. The company has
already demonstrated its skills with magic by making entire
departments vanish right before the eyes of astonished
onlookers. And with the help of psychics it will be able to do
even better. *** As one executive put it: "We'll be able to look
into the future and manage the demise of products we haven't
even acquired yet." *** Now that's real vision.


(c) 1995 Brad Mager